In a previous article, we discussed the memory traces of early relationships with our caregivers and how these can be traced in our adult romantic relationships. In the present article, we will focus on the impact of a father’s emotional absence on children’s lives, and particularly on girls.
Research shows that a father’s emotional unavailability is associated with lower self-esteem in women. When there is someone in the family who “sees” me but does not care for me or respond emotionally in the way I need, an internal sense of inadequacy is formed. “I am not enough,” “I am unlovable”, are phrases often expressed by women who have experienced neglectful relationships with their fathers and who struggle in their adult relationships. These beliefs and feelings are frequently accompanied by inner criticism, self-doubt, and feelings of abandonment.
Paternal rejection—whether overt or silent and covert—has been found to be significantly associated with low self-esteem in children, and several studies suggest that this association is stronger for daughters compared to maternal rejection. Daughters often internalize the father’s absence as a personal inadequacy, forming the belief “I am not enough to be loved.” In a related study, young women reported that their experience of the relationship with their father shaped the way they perceived relationships, what they considered acceptable within them, and how they defined emotional safety and intimacy (Erduran Tekin, O., 2025).
In the book The Unavailable Father, the author describes six types of paternal absence: the rejecting father, the mentally ill father, the substance-dependent father, the abusive father, the unreliable father, and the physically absent father. The common denominator of all these forms of absence is the inability to offer consistent emotional presence, unconditional love, acceptance, and safety—elements that children need in order to develop a positive self-concept and the capacity to form close relationships in adult life.
The author shares her personal story and describes how her father’s emotional absence and her intense need for a paternal figure led her to feel attracted to older men, seeking paternal qualities in them.
On a theoretical level, this can be understood through the observation that feminine identity is largely formed through relationships. Gilligan’s research shows that girls tend to construct their identity through connection and recognition rather than through differentiation and detachment, which boys are often encouraged to pursue. Thus, paternal absence is not experienced merely as a loss of relationship but often as a loss of personal worth.
In many families, the father represents the first heterosexual object and functions as a mirror of desirability and recognition. As such, the quality of this relationship is internalized and becomes part of one’s sense of personal value. A particularly common relational pattern in families is the father’s physical presence accompanied by emotional absence. Beyond creating confusion in the child, this dynamic generates intense frustration and internalization, often affecting aspects of personality development.
Children’s needs do not disappear simply because parental figures are unable to respond to them adequately. They remain active on a psychological level and seek completion like an old unfinished business. In Gestalt psychotherapy, we speak of unfinished forms: our needs follow a cycle. Those that are not met cannot be completed and closed, but remain open, become fixed or change form, and reappear in other relationships and in other ways, seeking closure and satisfaction. This applies to physical needs as well as emotional-relational and existential needs.
Thus, what was not completed in the past seeks fulfillment in the present. Romantic choices in adult life may represent an unconscious attempt to close an old, unresolved relational business. As the author writes: “Being alone felt like standing at the edge of an abyss.” There are many paths we can take to compensate for and grow from loss, but we can never replace the past.
The author acknowledges that early patterns in her romantic relationships reproduced the same explosive atmosphere and instability that characterized her relationship with her father. The gradual understanding of the nature of her father’s anger and abusive behavior toward her reveals a child’s deep need to understand why a parent did not provide what is fundamental: love, respect, care, and tenderness. At the same time, it becomes clear that the types of relationships she entered into were directly linked to her level of awareness regarding her relationship with her father.
We know that children have two very basic psychological needs in order to develop in a healthy way: love and safety. In the past—and even today—many parents equated these concepts with the provision of material goods. We now know that this is not sufficient for healthy development. Many psychologically traumatized adults were once children who had everything materially, yet were deeply neglected emotionally.
Psychotherapy cannot replace what was missing in the past. It can, however, bring awareness to our unfinished needs and to what we need in the present. It can restore our contact with emotion—often disrupted in environments of chronic emotional neglect—and thus allow us to have new experiences of safe relationships in the here and now.
References:
Erduran Tekin, Ö. (2025). The role of father neglect and abuse in the romantic relationship and mate choice experiences of young women: A phenomenological analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, Article 595. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-02943-2
Gilligan, C. (1993). In a different voice: Psychological theory and women’s development (2nd ed.). Harvard University Press.
Greenberg, L. S., & Malcolm, W. (2002). Resolving unfinished business: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(2), 406–416. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.70.2.406
Lamb, M. E. (Ed.). (2010). The role of the father in child development (5th ed.). John Wiley & Sons.
Rosenthal, S. S. (2010). The unavailable father. Jossey-Bass.
