Our first relationship serves as the framework through which we come into contact with the world and learn to feel, think, and make meaning of our experiences. This relationship with all that defines and shapes it becomes an internal map guiding how we perceive ourselves and others, profoundly influencing the way we will connect in future relationships.
Our sense of self-worth, the degree of security we feel in close relationships, the need for intimacy or the impulse to withdraw, the capacity for trust as well as the fear of rejection or abandonment, the use of substances as a means of emotional regulation, optimism or pessimism—all are shaped by the quality of early experiences with our caregivers.
Within the context of developmental and relational trauma theory, we know that when early relationships are marked by inconsistency, absence, unpredictability, or fear, the child is forced to develop survival strategies—defense and protection mechanisms—rather than authentic and spontaneous growth.
Research on relational trauma shows that when a caregiver is simultaneously present and absent, or available only conditionally, the child tends to magnify and focus on anxious thoughts and feelings in an effort to maintain contact with the person upon whom they depend (Liotti, 2004; Schore, 2012).
Some children learn to react intensely, hoping to “wake up” the adult so they can receive help. Others, experiencing repeated disappointment, learn to withdraw, freeze, or suppress their needs because they learn they cannot rely on their care. These early protective strategies solidify over time and organize adult emotional life.
Individuals who did not receive adequate support in their early relationships are less likely to seek help when they struggle, as avoiding emotional contact becomes a self-protective mechanism. As Shaver & Mikulincer (2007) demonstrate, internalizing inappropriate responses from the environment creates a pattern in which the individual learns to doubt and devalue their own needs in order to avoid the risk of repeated abandonment or rejection.
Early relationships also structure our internal knowledge of how we and others “should” function. This shapes our disposition for intimacy, tolerance for pain or frustration, and the ways we regulate our inner world (Winnicott, 1965; Kernberg, 1976). In environments where the caregiver does not function as a “good enough parent,” the child lacks the emotional holding—the psychological containment—that allows for the development of a stable and integrated self.
In the Gestalt approach, the therapist-client relationship is considered the space where early, unfinished experiences are reactivated and brought into the here and now. How the first caregiver shaped how they approached, how they withdrew, how they were unpredictable—determines how the individual will relate later in life. Difficulties with contact, disruptions in contact, or excessive reactions are often remnants of these early formations (Perls, 1973; Polster & Polster, 1974).
Gestalt therapy, with its emphasis on process and on “what is happening now between us,” helps us understand that relational difficulties are not simply personal traits, but adaptations to early, challenging environments.
We know that a first relationship that is safe, consistent, and supportive has a protective role in a child’s development. It strengthens positive self-perception, the capacity for healthy relationships, self-esteem, motivation, creativity, and adaptability in cognitive tasks (Kafetsios & Nezlek, 2002; Sroufe, 2005).
Trust in our ability to reduce stress and cope with difficult situations is rooted in early experiences in which someone helped us regulate our emotions when we could not do it ourselves. Self-regulation emerges through the ongoing experience of co-regulation with an adult who sees, listens, soothes, and supports.
Thus, the quality of early relationships becomes the foundation for mental development, emotional intelligence and functioning, and later capacity for secure connection. Relational trauma, the absence of consistent presence, or emotional inconsistency are not merely past events—they continue to organize our present.
At the same time, through the therapeutic relationship, individuals can experience a new form of contact and stability, capable of deeply reshaping the ways they relate to themselves and to others.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment.
Ainsworth, M. et al. (1978). Patterns of Attachment.
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment.
Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (1997). Attachment and reflective function.
Schore, A. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self.
Liotti, G. (2004). Trauma and dissociation in the context of disorganized attachment. Psychotherapy.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Disorganized attachment.
Perls, F., Hefferline, R., & Goodman, P. (1951). Gestalt Therapy.
Polster, E., & Polster, M. (1973). Gestalt Therapy Integrated.
Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment.
