Iam standing in line at a well-known bookstore in the city, waiting to pick up my order. I notice a woman interacting with the cashier with intense physical expressions of discomfort. I quickly realize that her reaction stems from the frustration of waiting in the wrong line, as this counter was only for order pickups, while the cash registers she was looking for were upstairs. Nevertheless, her tension is directed at the employee, personalizing a situation that is actually a company policy.
I think about how often we direct our frustration or anger towards people who happen to be in front of us, feeling that we can release our emotions there… Disproportionate anger over a delay waiting in a line, traffic, or at work. Accumulated and unregulated emotions get stored within us and seek opportunities to emerge and be expressed. When we feel more intense emotions than we can process, the amygdala—a brain region involved in threat detection and overall emotional evaluation—is activated. Neuroimaging studies show that when the amygdala is highly activated, the prefrontal cortex’s ability to regulate impulses and logical thinking can temporarily decrease, making it harder to control impulses (LeDoux, 1996; Ochsner & Gross, 2005). This mechanism is a normal nervous system response and has a protective function: the body prioritizes survival through physical and emotional reactions. However, the consequence is heightened emotion, increased internal tension, and difficulty expressing oneself or thinking clearly. In many cases, this protective mechanism can hinder connection with ourselves and others.
Why does this happen? Why does something designed to keep us alive end up getting us in trouble?
Emotional dysregulation can also occur when we struggle to identify what we feel. People with limited emotional awareness tend to show greater reactivity to stressful stimuli, as they may lack internal strategies to organize their emotions (Taylor et al., 1997). This does not mean that all individuals with limited emotional awareness overreact, but the likelihood of difficulty managing intense emotions is higher.
In cases of previous trauma or chronic stress, even a seemingly minor trigger can reactivate memory traces, causing the body to enter a state of threat. The present is experienced as the past, as if one must fight to survive. Research in trauma neurobiology shows that chronic traumatic stress is associated with hyperactivity of the amygdala and underactivity of the hippocampus, which helps distinguish “then” from “now” (van der Kolk, 2014; Bremner, 2006). This means that ordinary external stimuli can activate bodily memories of the past, even when the mind is unaware of it. However, this does not occur in all individuals with traumatic experiences, as there is significant individual variation.
Furthermore, when we did not grow up in an environment where caregivers were emotionally available and consistent, we did not effectively learn how to regulate our own emotions. From infancy, the ability to regulate emotions develops through co-regulation—that is, regulation through another person. Attachment theory research shows that when a caregiver can provide stability and safely recognize our emotions, the brain learns to manage stress and organize emotions (Bowlby, 1988; Schore, 2001). Conversely, when the caregiver is unpredictable, dysregulated, or emotionally distant, the child may struggle to develop internal emotional self-regulation systems. In these cases, the child often adapts to the adult’s emotional state to ensure the security needed for healthy growth, developing patterns of hyperarousal or hypoarousal that may affect their ability to manage intense emotions as an adult. Of course, this does not apply universally—protective factors and individual differences exist.
During school years, some children may show impulsivity, aggression, separation anxiety, and mood swings. They often experience sleep problems, difficulties with peers, learning challenges, and behavioral issues in class. In adolescence, some may display dependent behaviors such as self-harm or substance use to manage internal distress or disconnection from their emotions.
This aligns with contemporary clinical knowledge on trauma: Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011) posits that the nervous system organizes our experiences based on safety or threat. When we feel safe, the parasympathetic system supports social connection and regulation. When we perceive danger, automatic fight, flight, or freeze responses are activated to enhance survival. If childhood safety was inconsistent, the nervous system may learn to live in a state of chronic vigilance, resulting in exaggerated reactions to everyday stressors, such as driving, where outbursts, anger, or sudden tension may occur.
Emotional dysregulation is therefore not a character flaw, but the result of neurobiological processes, relationships, experiences, and learned survival and response patterns. Understanding it through science and relational trauma theory allows us to approach it with greater self-support and awareness.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. London: Routledge.
Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: Effects on the brain. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 445–461.
LeDoux, J. E. (1996). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. Simon & Schuster.
Ochsner, K. N., & Gross, J. J. (2005). The cognitive control of emotion. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(5), 242–249.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 7–66.
Taylor, G. J., Bagby, R. M., & Parker, J. D. A. (1997). Disorders of affect regulation: Alexithymia in medical and psychiatric illness. Cambridge University Press.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.
