There is a remarkably interesting biological function that contributes to the development and survival of certain bird species, such as geese. Immediately after hatching, young goslings tend to follow the first moving object they encounter, through a process known as imprinting. Through this process, a stable internal template is established for recognizing and approaching a parental figure. What is striking is that even when this moving object belongs to another species, the goslings will continue to follow it. Even when this maternal figure responds with rejection or aggression, the goslings not only do not stop seeking proximity, but often intensify their efforts to connect, despite the rejection. Their attachment to this parental object is instinctively known to be directly linked to their survival.
But why does this story from the animal kingdom matter, and how does it relate to the way we seek romantic partners in adult life?
First, because no matter how much we try to distance ourselves from it, we remain part of it. Human development and survival are also ruled by similar principles of dependence and caring. On an existential level, what emerges is not merely a biological need to be cared for, but a need for relationship as a prerequisite for existence. Isolation is not experienced simply as absence, but as a fundamental threat to the coherence of existence itself—and, by extension, to the self.
Even before a sense of self is formed, the relationship with the caregiver already exists. We are not born into a void, but into a relationship. As infants, we do not naturally attach to the first moving object we encounter, but to the figure who regulates our somatic–emotional state. During this very early period, the self is not yet integrated, but emerges through relationship. The infant’s need for closeness is therefore not a secondary psychological desire, but the vital foundation upon which the self and survival mechanisms are built.
This story is also important for another reason. It illustrates the powerful influence that the attachment system, formed during infancy, has throughout the lifespan. Partner selection is a complex process shaped by multiple factors. However, relationships formed during childhood are among the most decisive—especially when they involve early relational trauma that engraves internal relational patterns. Because these experiences occur during an exceptionally sensitive developmental period, they leave a particularly strong imprint on later functioning (Andersson et al., 2021).
Moreover, these early relational experiences influence various aspects of identity related to how we form relationships: self-esteem, capacity for trust, tolerance of intimacy, and beliefs about the self and love. In cases of neglect or abuse, relational patterns may develop that are characterized by shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, or avoidance of closeness. Research shows, for example, that women who had healthier relationships with their fathers report closer, more satisfying romantic relationships and greater confidence within their romantic adult relationships (Black & Schutte, 2006).
For this reason, it is especially important to understand how we related as infants and children, as this mode of relating becomes embedded in our system as a relational blueprint, influencing both our relationship with ourselves and with others. Because these experiences occur during a period when infants have not yet developed the capacity to form explicit memories as adults do, they are recorded and stored somatically. They are encoded as bodily relational memories—“remembered” more as felt states than as consciously narratable experiences.
Clinically, we observe that some women are drawn to men who “remind” them of how they related to their fathers. This can be understood as an unconscious attempt to repair that first relationship. Others, by contrast, choose partners with entirely different characteristics from a rejecting or abusive parent. The father and mother were the first man and the first woman with whom we formed close emotional bonds, thus laying the groundwork for relational expectations in adult romantic relationships. However, this process is neither linear nor universal.
Research—including Greek studies—demonstrates a clear association between childhood attachment style and the quality of adult romantic relationships (Kyrgeridou, Vorria & Kioseoglou, 2020). For example, a lack of emotional availability from the father has been linked to an increased likelihood of choosing emotionally unavailable partners (Carnes, 1997), while a positive father–daughter relationship is associated with greater intimacy, higher relationship satisfaction, and a more positive sexual identity in women’s adult relationships (Scheffler & Naus, 1999; Heeman, 2008). The relationship fathers form with their daughters therefore appears to significantly influence partner choice in adulthood (Yalçın, 2024).
Rollo May described how similar relational patterns were repeated in his clients, even when these bonds were infused with pain, fear, or rejection. Infants lack the capacity to detach from the maternal figure even when the relationship is painful. On the contrary, the more frightening or rejecting the caregiver, the more intensely the infant may cling, as the parenting figure represents the sole source of survival. The pain of the relationship thus often becomes more tolerable than the terror of losing it.
May writes about a client who, at the age of fifty, was still seeking a “good mother” in order to unconsciously repair the experience of the “bad mother” of his childhood. He had experienced such profound loneliness as a child that he longed for a love that would fill this void. His inability, at fifty, to detach from a painful romantic relationship mirrored his childhood inability to detach from a neglectful mother for whom he felt responsible (May, 1981).
I also observe a similar pattern in many female clients. As psychotherapy progresses and awareness of their relational history increases, they begin to see their romantic partners more clearly. By identifying patterns and weaving connections, dysfunctional romantic relationships in the present can be understood in relation to the past.
We know that it is possible to build new experiences around these early relational imprints. Understanding our relational history helps explain why we may experience an overwhelming attraction to—and difficulty detaching from—relationships and people who reactivate familiar, even painful, patterns. We seek love, yet often find ourselves drawn into the vortex of our earliest relational experience, unconsciously seeking a different ending.
We cannot change the past, but we can come to terms with it and take responsibility for how we relate to our needs in the present. In psychotherapy, we learn new ways of being, connecting, and expressing needs within the therapeutic relationship.
When we lack awareness of these relational patterns, we are more likely to choose blindly people and relationships that resemble familiar relational dynamics, even when these involve rejection, anxiety, pain, or abandonment. Attraction then overlays a past relationship, activating an emotional script we have played before, but with the hope of a different, happier ending. This phenomenon, clinically referred to as the repetition compulsion, reflects our tendency to repeat patterns and relationships in an attempt to heal them.
Increased awareness through psychotherapy does not automatically eliminate these patterns, but it expands freedom of choice. It enables us to recognize repetitions, patterns, and connections, rather than being mysteriously and invisibly drawn by old, dark forces.
References:
Andersson SO, Annerbäck EM, Söndergaard HP, Hallqvist J, Kristiansson P. Adverse childhood experiences are associated with the choice of partner, both partners’ relationship, and psychosocial health as reported one year after the birth of a common child. A cross-sectional study. PLoS ONE, 2021;16(1):e0244696. h t t p s : / / d o i . o r g / 1 0 . 1 3 7 1 / j o u r n a l . p o n e . 0 2 4 4 6 9 6.
Black KA, Schutte ED. Recollections of being loved: implications of childhood experiences with parents for young adults’ romantic relationships. J Fam Issues. 2006;27(10):1459–80. h t t p s : / / d o i . o r g / 1 0 . 1 1 7 7 / 0 1 9 2 5 1 3 X 0 6 2 8 9 6 4 7
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachmen t and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original work published 1969)
Carnes P. Sexual anorexia: Overcoming self-hatred. Hazelden. 1997.
Heeman VC. Interpersonal communication motives, satisfaction, and psychological well-being in father-young adult daughter relationships [Doctoral Dissertation]. Kent State University. 2008.
Kyrgeridou, E., Vorria, P., & Kioseoglou, G. (2020). Couple relationships and their perceptions of attachment to their mother. Psychology: The Journal of the Hellenic Psychological Society, 21(2), 183–201. https://doi.org/10.12681/psy_hps.23275
May, R. (1981). Freedom and destiny. W. W. Norton & Company.
Scheffler T, Naus P. The relationship between fatherly affirmation and a woman’s self-esteem, fear of intimacy, comfort with womanhood, and comfort with sexuality. Can J Hum Sexuality. 1999;8:39–45. h t t p s : / / d o i . o r g / 1 0 . 1 1 7 7 / 0 1 9 2 5 1 3 X 1 1 4 2 5 7 7
Yalçın M. Examining childhood trauma experiences in relation to women’s attachment style, exposure to violence, and partner characteristics. J Social Service Res. 2024;50(5):889–902. h t t p s : / / d o i . o r g / 1 0 . 1 0 8 0 / 0 1 4 8 8 3 7 6 . 2 0 2 4 . 2 3 8 54 6 3
